Children Can Be Saved From the Divorce Bomb

Eight Strategies to Protect Your Children From Your Divorce

For most people who have never experienced divorce, it is uncharted territory.

Those of us who have gone through this rough period of life called divorce- and those of us who have been able to review and evaluate the results of our past actions - can see quite clearly which decisions have proven constructive and positive and which have proven destructive or negative.

I also have worked helping hundreds of divorcing couples over the last nine years, I've learned how bad decisions are made under pressure and in the heat of a tough moment.

You are probably very stressed, concerned, hearing all kinds of theories and stories about the effect of divorce in children, attacked by feelings like guilt, shame and times helplessness. Despite how you feel, you're not alone.

I want to talk about your children today because making the right decisions at the right time can change your children's lives in the future, for the better. Basically, you can prevent things that your kids don't want to experience in their adult lives.

I'm talking about effects that will show up ten, twenty years from now.

If you could give your kids more tools for a happier life and pave the way for their emotional and mental health - would you do it?

There's no point in waiting until tomorrow. Your future is in your hands, and you can make sure your children have a bright future despite the ugly thing called divorce.

You only need to read widely published research on Adverse Childhood Experiences on adults to understand how childhood shapes adults.

The more adverse childhood experiences, the more depression, the more mental health issues, the more substance abuse.

People with ACEs - Adverse Childhood Experiences - are more likely to develop these mental health disorders.

The majority of studies show that people who experienced fewer ACEs as children have a higher quality of life, mentally and physically.

So, with that in mind, perhaps my eight tips will make better sense to you:

Stop Arguing in Front of The Children

In the weeks and months leading up to your divorce, try to reach an agreement with your spouse to stop arguing in front of the kids.Now that you've decided to divorce, you have to stop the mutual grinding .

Present The News as a Team

Discuss your divorce with your spouse so you can communicate it to your kids together. It is imperative to present the news as a team, even if the news is that the team is changing configurations! Having to discuss your divorce with your children is difficult, but being a coward and not approaching the situation with the best joint strategy is even harder.

Emphasize: They are Not Losing a Parent

Make sure that you are clear with them that living in two separate houses does not mean that you are losing a parent, without going into details about your marriage problems. Be sure to emphasize your love for them and your commitment to spend as much time with them as possible.

Normalize the One-Parent Activities Soon

Engage your children in more activities alone with you, and spend more individual time with them. I am talking about normal fun activities. The transition to One-Parent activities may be difficult at first, but it will help them with the transition in the future.

Understand that the purpose of this is NOT to show that you are better than your partner. The purpose of this is to strengthen and redefine your relationship with them. Be real, don't act weird to them, and talk about things that interest them. Also, don't avoid the topic of divorce, this is your opportunity to normalize it.

Do not Trash The Other Parent

DO NOT trash your children's mother or father in front of your children, no matter how hurt you feel by your spouse. It is not appropriate to trash that person in front of people who may convey the message to the children, either directly or indirectly. Do not send messages that it's all her fault or his fault. Don't tear your children's hearts with this attitude or comments

They will literally be saved by your courage and integrity.

Reaffirm How Important They Are to You

Plan your separation prioritizing your children. Try to have a place where they will spend nights with you. Soon after the separation, take a mini vacation with just you, especially if you have less parenting time with the children. Taking a short vacation will help you reaffirm that they are important to you.

Do not include anyone else in this first vacation. Not your brother or your friend and definitely not you new love. There is a subtle message here that the children are at the center of this vacation and their needs are the main focus.

Readjust Your Weekly Time Priorities

Assuming that they will be living with the other parent, you will "lose" time with them while you live apart. Embrace this with a realistic view of how much time you spend with them today, which is probably diluted by normal life activities. The loss is relative if you work and have a normal adult social life. You'll need to make some lifestyle adjustments, but they'll be well worth it! You will thank yourself in a few years time.

Make time for your children in exchange for time you spend with your own social life. Include them in activities that you once did alone or with adult friends. Golfing, biking. Alternatively, you can turn it down on nights with friends and up on dinner outings or park outings with the kids.

Do not Use Them as Messengers

Your children should not be burdened with acting as intermediaries between you and your ex-spouse.

Remember that your children will grow up. During your divorce, you may be teaching them lessons that will take time to become apparent to them as adults. Some of those gold nuggets are honesty, integrity, decency, unconditional love, courage, transparency, and vulnerability as an expression of courage.

Legal Note: The author has no intention on providing legal advice, directly or indirectly, as he is not an attorney.

Author: German E Velasco / Life Changes Coach/ Divorce coach

www.DivorceNavigator.net

Other Sources: University of Wisconsin 2001-2003. Schlauch Karen A, Read Robert W, Koning Stephonie M, Neveux Iva, Grzymski. David Popenoe, Life Without a Father (New York, The Free Press,1996)Joseph J. Using phenome-wide association studies and the SF-12 quality of life metric to identify profound consequences of adverse childhood experiences on adult mental and physical health in a Northern Nevadan population. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2022; 13 DOI: 10.3389/fpsyt.2022.984366